I read it and I bristled. I admit it. I don’t like having to admit it. I am talking about this post, in which another blogger (who I love, by the way) mentioned Asperger’s in a way that made my highly sensitive, mother bear hackles raise. And I was surprised by that fact. I absolutely detest the whole politically correct, can’t make a joke about anything, sensitivity training BS that our society has shifted to subscribe to. Make an Italian joke, a woman joke…even a Christian joke, and I am fine. Really. But when I read that post, I felt it. The sting caused by words rubbed across wounds that are still fresh. It made words spout out of my mouth before I could stop them - Do you have any idea the frustrations and struggles my son has? Asperger’s doesn’t just mean he says the wrong thing sometimes. The barista was an idiot…not someone with AS! I even admit that I rechecked her “about me” page to see if maybe one of her kids had AS and I had missed it. So what? Is Asperger’s like the “N” word or something….you can use if you are “one of us”. How lame have I become? And as a few minutes pass, I realize that it is no big deal, and have a chuckle at the post and move on. But no matter how much I wish it were not so…there is a tiny little piece of me that is still standing, arms crossed and brow furrowed, protesting, “It’s not funny!” And as much as I’d like to, I don’t know how to shake it off.
In Which I Become That Person….
May 16th, 2007 · 12 Comments
Tags: asperger's · I write Crap · The Boy · Me · blogging
12 responses so far ↓
1 // May 16, 2007 at 2:10 pm
You are a Mama Bear with your cub…
And no one, no one gets between a Mama Bear and her cub…
I would be the same I am certain…
2 // May 16, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Maybe it’s not been enough time for you to shake it off just yet. As you said, the wounds are still raw. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Rest assured, you’ll scab up and then the scabbage will give way to a little bit of scar tissue and your sense of humor is intact under there.
3 // May 16, 2007 at 4:15 pm
It’s not funny. I’m with you.
4 // May 16, 2007 at 4:43 pm
My son also has Aspergers, and I felt the SAME EXACT WAY when I read Melissa’s post. Strange.
Wow. I never knew I’d be the type of person to get bristled by mere words. But I am glad I’m not the only one.
5 // May 16, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Hi Mel. I saw the post today, too and like you, haven’t been able to shake it. When I saw your comment, I came back here to read what you wrote.
Anyway, I think for me, it’s this simple: I could imagine my son as the “asperger-y cashier” in, say, 20 years or so. And, well, I’m not supposed to care, right? I’m supposed to be okay with all this, with the PDD diagnosis, with the whole messy mess of it…and then I read something like this and I realize I’m not okay. Not even one little bit. And it felt personal. It felt like someone was making fun of my kid.
And, I like Suburban Bliss. A lot. Still do. Just not so much today.
6 // May 16, 2007 at 6:35 pm
It’s hard to not get defensive and pissed off about something that is so close to you. I too try not to buy into all the politically correct BS, but every once in awhile am surprised at how hurt I get when someone makes an annoying comment about an issue that’s close to me. I think your reaction is totally reasonable given your situation. Sometimes people don’t realize that what they think is a harmless joke can be really offensive or hurtful to someone else.
7 // May 17, 2007 at 1:48 am
Uh…that’s not cool. Isn’t there a line somewhere that you just have to try occasionally not to cross?
8 // May 17, 2007 at 5:17 pm
I think its pretty normal that you would react that way because its your kid who is involved. I think you handled it very maturely in your response!
9 // May 18, 2007 at 10:15 am
I’m with Angel; I think you handled it very maturely. My son has Down syndrome and I have had the same reaction you did because people use the non-PC “Down’s kid” term. (Don’t they know it’s not possessive? It’s something that he has, not something that has him!) I was even worse when a commenter on another blog (not SB) called one of my comments “retarded.” Talk about a Mama Bear response. And then you should see how I get when people start in with the whole “those kids are so loving and happy” which is utter crap. Argh.
Anyway, if she had made an off-hand “retard” or “Downs” comment I’m not sure I could have handled it as well as you, so I think you did great!
10 // May 18, 2007 at 12:37 pm
I just stumbled across your blog so I don’t know you, but I’m having trouble with this: “the barista was an idiot, not someone with AS”. Do you see the judgment there? We really don’t know. But I don’t think suburban bliss was making a joke about Aspergers. Maybe using it as an adjective was wrong, like another commenter said about calling someone retarded, but is calling someone an idiot–who might really have some diagnosed issues for all we know– really better? Sorry if I’m making a deal out of nothing, I know you were emotional when you wrote the post, but the idiot thing just bugged me.
11 // May 18, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Liz:
Actually, I was just rewording what I thought her impression of the person was. I was not there, so I have no idea. I am just saying…if she thought the person said something stupid silly, or funny, that there were better words to use than Asperger’s, y’know? To me, it sounded like the barista simply said something not so bright - something everyone has been guilty of at one time or another. Perhaps I should have said, “the barista said something idiotic”. I was bothered by the fact that she flippantly tossed out the word Asperger’s as a comment on the barista’s lack of social skills - presumably to be clever or humorous. Since being an “idiot” is not a diagnosed disorder, I don’t see them as one in the same. If someone cuts me off on the freeway, I may mutter under my breath that they are a jerk - I would never say that they are retarded. Using a “disability” as a putdown is not acceptable or funny, in my opinion. Thank you for your comment…I do understand what you are saying, I suppose I just don’t see it as the same thing.
Mel
12 // May 20, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Mel,
Really, you are so freaking polite. I understand why you recoiled from the remark. And I get why you wish it didn’t sting so much - but it did, didn’t it? So your reaction was valid and worthy and not deserving of an apology of any sorts.
We all write things that rub people the wrong way and most of us do it while innocently making an attempt at humor. I know I have. When I got the comment like yours, I had to decide if hurting someone’s feelings was worth a chuckle or two. For me it wasn’t so I took it down.
Don’t feel bad for saying your piece. How awful would you have felt if you said nothing?
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