Mark this date on the calendar…for once in my life, I have nothing to say. It has been forever since I have written here. I have so many things that I think I may possibly…..sort-of….kind-of……maybe…want to write about. But I sit here, listening to the maddening click click, click click of the ceiling fan…and I’ve got nothing. I don’t want to write another sad post about the death of a loved one and its aftermath. I don’t want to write about The Boy and his Asperger’s. I don’t want to write about parenting…The rejection of that particular topic being compounded by the fact that I have nothing about my parenting I really feel like sharing right now. My kids are bickering and whining constantly. I am snapping…even yelling….and cranky. I have no patience…and all of my attempts at good parenting skills have flown out the window. I’d be too ashamed to write about that……but I suppose I just did.
Every night I say I am going to start fresh tomorrow. I will not be grumpy. I will not snap and yell. I will be understanding. And for the love of Pete, I will read the freaking book or color a freaking picture. But each morning is not bringing change. It brings the same old, tired, worn down, crabby, heartbreakingly ambivalent mother. The one I can’t stand. The one I’m sure my kids can’t stand either. And I feel like I am failing. I know I am failing. I torture myself with thoughts of my kids being permanently scarred by their mother’s lack of ability to get her shit together.
This is the part of the post that should contain something along the lines of….but tomorrow is a new day….a day of second chances…..and we all scurried off the park to frolic in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds and talk about our dreams. It should be.
Lord, please let tomorrow be that new day…..
17 responses so far ↓
1 // Jul 6, 2007 at 12:11 am
There is a good audio book to listen too…its by niel Fiore
I haven’t finished it and it’s on procrastination. Hold on before you feel insulted, I am trying to get to the part that helped me.
It says when you feel this way …..don’t beat yourself up. Schedule fun for yourself. Try this out it really helps! Then it’s so much easier to get back to work and showing up for the hard stuff. You are on burn out and being tuff won’t help you. I necer take too much of a break cause it’ s too hard to come home but some fun ( and that’s not easy) helps. You know what you aren’t doing what you want yourself to do so you might as well be having some fun. Find a way to feed the well, and don’t excpet to run on empty. IF you think you are doing bad now …… things can get a lot worse. Be nice to yourself and good luck.
2 // Jul 6, 2007 at 4:25 am
Reason number 326 why I could never home school.
You get mad props as far as I’m concerned for all that you do and create at home, Mel. Right now you need a change of scenery A break to brighten up the routine. Hmmmm…..how about Chicago ? I hear it’s great in July.
3 // Jul 6, 2007 at 6:03 am
I won’t offer a pep talk, or even tell you to buck up and get on with it. I felt like this for a long time after my father died. I’m a little hesitant to tell you exactly how long. The only difference was, my son hadn’t been born yet, so it was just my husband on the receiving end of my unmanageable grief.
I will simply say this: I wish you peace and comfort during a difficult time. I know you will find your way back to the joy—when you are ready. In the meantime, go easy on yourself.
4 // Jul 6, 2007 at 9:28 am
Wow, your post made me sad. I don’t deal with half the stuff you are dealing with, yet I do have days and even weeks like these. It helps at these times, atleast for me, to get out of the house and to be with other people besides my kids. Or even to be with other people with my kids. Either way, its another human being who can talk and maybe even have fun with. I’m not saying that would be a cure all for you…just something that helps me escape if only for a few hours. I think us women, especially homeschool moms and stay at home moms, tend to neglect our emotional health. We need people to laugh with, cry with…someone other than our kids and hubby (as well meaning as they may be). Sometimes its just getting away by yourself without anyone else too that helps–having time to reflect without all the noise. Our job is 24/7 and sometimes that means we need to take a vacation day and rely on the help of others to do so. Keep your head up and know that this too will pass…I hope things get better for you soon.
5 // Jul 6, 2007 at 9:47 am
I felt unable to do ANYTHING after my dad died five years ago. I often sat somewhere and just stared at something for minutes.
What really helped me back then was that we had two weeks of vacation in spain planned with all of our friends. At first I didn’t feel I should go and sit on a beach in spain while The Mum and The Brother were at home, but then I went - and I felt so much better afterwards. Not awesome, but better.
Sure, I didn’t have kids to think about - but maybe it would really help you to get out of the house and/or the city for some time. I guess you’re not really helping your kids a lot at the moment, anyways.
Mel, just try to see the good things and the humor in everything and keep your head up.
Thinking of you,
Sarah
6 // Jul 6, 2007 at 9:48 am
So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time! I’ve been there, trust me! People always tell me to “take it one day at a time” but I want to say, “But this day SUCKS! I want to fast forward to a time when I feel better!”
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts!
7 // Jul 6, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Dealing with death is a slow process and causes everything else to feel raw. Time is the only thing that heals and unfortunately it sucks to do the time. I wish you all the best.
Catherine, the redhead
8 // Jul 6, 2007 at 2:25 pm
I think we all have days (or in my case, weeks, months, and years) that we feel like this. I think unless you are superhuman this is just par for the course. Don’t feel bad about the way you have been behaving towards your children, just try to learn from it. At least that’s what I’m “trying” to do.
9 // Jul 6, 2007 at 5:38 pm
This too shall pass.
10 // Jul 7, 2007 at 12:19 am
I regret my post. I had not looked back at any earlier post and so I didn’t know you are grieving. I am so sorry. I have a son with autism and other troubles so I was relating what I thought would be encouraging words. I don’t know, I think grief takes patients from everyone. Maybe you can’t or shouldn’t expect to get some time away for fun but some seperate time for yourself. I am sorry for your loss.
11 // Jul 7, 2007 at 10:38 am
Hey Mel. I remember feeling like this so strongly, after years and years later, your words bring it quickly back.
A friend who lives across the country has two little guys at home and she just emailed me that she is getting away for a few days by herself to take a deep breath here in Paradise. Her husband is staying with the boys by himself for the first time EVER! I’ve been warned she has bald spots …
12 // Jul 7, 2007 at 12:10 pm
See? I told you, You are my hero. (well… one of them anyway.)
This same stuff is happening to me lately. But. I haven’t written about it. And I don’t know if I can, even though I want to.
I am so snappy and on the verge of yelling that I hate myself. And from the looks that I’m getting from my kids, they hate me too.
And every night I say tomorrow is going to be different. And it isn’t. Yesterday was so bad that I went to the gym around 8pm and didn’t leave until the gym closed. That’s right. I closed down the freaking gym. And why? Because I had nowhere else to go. How sad is that?
I feel a teensy bit better though because if you do it… then I guess it’s not just me.
13 // Jul 7, 2007 at 2:00 pm
I’m so sorry you’re having rough days.
No words of wisdom from me…but I’ll be thinking of you, wishing you rest and peace.
14 // Jul 8, 2007 at 8:25 am
Oh Mel. Im so sorry your going through this! I truly dont know what your going through, but I do know that when we lean on the Lord and not our own understanding that HE will be the strength we need. We cant do it. Even when we go on vacation and give us ME time. You will still come back home and have those issues unless you truly give it over to the Lord. I used to hear people say that to me and I was like “how the heck do I give it to the Lord?” I prayed about my issues and I talked to people about it. But it really is trusting that HE has a plan for us. He knows what our lives hold. HE knows the pain better than anyone. HE put HIS son on the cross because HE loved us. He knows how many hairs are on your head and he wont let you fall! Be in HIS word daily and pray every morning (I know it sounds hard) but think of it like this. His word is our armor and our weapon, if we dont have them on, then we are in the battle field naked! He wants to fight this spiritual battle for us. We just have to put HIM on every day!!!!! Satan is so wanting to make you fall. He sees the pain and he will take full dadvantage of that. The LAST thing he wants you to do is pray and read your bible. He wants you to think about your self and think of what your doing wrong. DONT! Put your mind to Christ and HE will deliver you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, if this is too forward, I know you know the Truth! And it will set you FREE. I love you Mel and I hope your time out here will be relaxing! We should have your kids stay the night over here so you guys can have at least a night together! Let me know!!! Im sure I spelled a ton wrong, but you get what Im saying!
15 // Jul 8, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Here’s hoping you get your shit together soon - and if you see mine, could you send it my way? Because ya, I too am getting pretty irritated at my yelling, impatient self.
16 // Jul 8, 2007 at 3:46 pm
You need some mummy time out. Hopefully today is the new, better day. If not tomorrow or the next day? It will come.
17 // Jul 18, 2007 at 9:52 am
I have read your blog off and on for a few months, but I really wanted to respond to this post. I also had a blog a little over a year ago - maybe some of it would let you know how some of the rest of us are feeling out there. You are not alone in what you are going through, though the specifics are different. I hope you get something out of what I went through, even if it is just a laugh or a sense of relief that is wasn’t you!
This is (hopefully) a link to my blog archive:
http://sevanupgirl.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html
Hang in there!
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