Freak Parade

My kids have a knack for sucking the fun out of anything. Anything. Hanging out with my kids is like spending time with two little, grumbly old senior citizens. I don’t mean to offend any happy, good natured seniors with this comparison. I don’t mean your little blue-haired, white-sweater-with-tissue-in-the-sleeve wearing elderly. No…..I mean the ones that sit in the activity room griping….It’s too hot in here! Now it’s too cold! Where’s my pills?!?! It’s too crowded in here! I don’t want to watch Benny Goodman again…I want Lawrence Welk!
You know, the ones that sit and complain about everything under the sun while shaking their canes at you? Those are my kids. Seriously. Allow me to cite some examples from our fun-filled day today.

The Girl and I got up and on the road early to pick up The Boy from his friends house. On the way home…I um, well…I sort-of, kinda’, possibly ….ran out of gas. Yes, it still happens to people. No, I don’t have AAA. Yes, I am an idiot sometimes. Moving on…… So we had some time to kill in the old SUV while waiting for Mamaw to come to rescue us with her gleaming gas can full of life-giving fuel and cold beverages. I could sense the grumbling and moaning that was about to begin. I decided to act immediately. The best defense is a good offense, or whatever, right?

Making the Best of a Bad Situation Mom: Hey guys, what color car do you think there is most of? I say white. What do you think?

The Boy: Um, I think black.

The Girl: [Large audible sigh] Silver, I guess.

Idiot who Thinks She Will Be Able to Engage Her Offspring in a Happy, Time-Passing Game Mom: Black and Silver, huh? Well, let’s find out. We can use the stopwatch on my cell phone and each count our color for a minute and see who guessed right…..Oh, hmmm, well, this cell phone doesn’t seem to have a stopwatch like my old one….No big deal. I can still time us. I’ll tell you when to start. Reaaady…..Go!

The Boy: Wait! I wasn’t ready!

The Girl: One…two….this game isn’t any fun.

Still Optimistic Mom: White cars. White cars….One! Two! Three! Four! Woo hoo! Five! Six!

The Boy: I said I wasn’t reeeaaaaadddddy!!!!!!

I tried one more attempt at the car counting game with equally poor results. FYI: Yes, there are more white cars.

Still Undaunted Mom: Hey. Tell me a story.

The Girl: I don’t know any stories.

Skeptical Yet Still Undaunted Mom: Sure you do. Tell me one about unicorns and magical pegusus..pegususes…pegusi.

The Girl: I don’t know any. Have him tell you one.

The Boy: [skulking lower into seat] No.

Silence fell over the SUV. And then…

The Boy: I’m hot. It’s hot.

The Girl: Can you turn on the air-conditioner?

The Boy: She can’t turn on the air-conditioner!

The Girl: Mama, turn on the air-conditioner.

The Boy: SHE CAN’T TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONER!!!!

The Girl: But it’s hot….

The Boy: We have NO GAS! Duh.

The Girl: Oh yeah. It is hot, though.

The Boy: I’m thirsty.

The Mom Who Realizes Things are Deteriorating Quickly: Mamaw will be here soon and we will get some lunch.

The Boy: Sure, if we don’t die first.

I briefly ponder pushing them out of the car and locking the doors. Briefly. I said briefly. Calm down.

Mom Giving it the Old College Try: How about this! Let’s sing the worm song. (It’s a camp song where they have to repeat what I sing) Repeat after me.

I begin singing. The Boy begins half-heartedly repeating.

The Girl: Wait! You’re going to fast! You’re not letting me sing! I can’t sing it that faaaasssst!

Screech. Moan. Wail.

I restore the peace. We try again. Still no go. We try two other songs, including 99 Bottles of Root Beer on the Wall. We get to 96 bottles. Big fun. Can’t they cut me some slack? I’m singing for Pete’s sake. This happy camper crap blows. Somehow we struggle on until our rescue.

This is getting long, so…… To be continued…..