All that has been happening lately has forced me to look a subject that I don’t particularly care for straight in the face. And when I say “don’t particularly care for” I, of course, mean it scares the heck out of me. Freaks me the hell out. Yes, death is one of those things that I just can’t wrap my head around. Like, how a heavy cruise ship can float or a giant, metal airplane can soar at 30,00 feet. I know how and why it happens, but I don’t understand it. How can a person be hearing, thinking, feeling, existing, in one moment, and then be gone the next? How does that work? Does life extinguish in a split second, like lights at the flipping of a switch? Does it fade away until it is background noise, and then eventually disappear? Does everything fade to black (or white?) or slow down and become muffled, as if moving underwater? What does a person experience? Can you feel yourself slipping away? Do you feel the heartache of leaving behind those you love? Can you see them bent and broken with sadness and grief?
It always amazes me that when a person knows the end is coming, they are at times able to be at peace with dying. I fear I would be screaming and clawing to have just a bit longer. Another chance to feel the sun on my face. To see my husband smile. To just see my children. To do and say so many things. No matter how much time I am allotted, it would never be enough.
In my faith, I believe in heaven. A better place. So much better than this world we live in. But my belief that I will be going to that better place is not enough to dislodge the cold hands of anxiety that close around my throat, when I think of death….and not only my own. Since my step-father died, not a night has passed where I am not met with horrific images when I close my eyes to sleep. Then the questions rise up and swirl around, a maddening tempest. How do you deal with knowing that this may be the last you gaze upon a face of someone you love? What do you wish you could experience just one last time? And my aunt died so suddenly and unexpectedly. And at the moment she passed, she was alone. All alone. Was she frightened? Was she filled with panic? Was she looking for someone to tell her it would be okay? Someone to say goodbye to?
This weekend is the dispersement of my step-father’s ashes. The Pacific ocean will swallow up all that remains of what once was a living, breathing person. A small box filled with five pounds of ashes. A part of me knows that it is nothing in that box, as his soul is not there…but the other part of me is gripped by the fact that it is Papaw who will be disappearing under the churning blue waves. And the panic and anxiety roll in silently like a thick fog.
7 responses so far ↓
1 The Sarah // Aug 23, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Death… I don’t think humans are able to understand it. I certainly can’t. And it scares me, too, although I also believe that nothing horrible is going to happen after you die.
I am still wondering how my father felt when he realized he was dying… My mother always says that she is sure he felt it coming a few days before he died.
Try and look at the dispersement of the ashes as a way of releasing his soul into peace and another world. He is not disappearing - from that moment on he will always be around you, in waves, wind, earth…
2 Earnest Iconoclast // Aug 23, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I feel exactly the same way. My father doesn’t understand at all. He is certain that when I’m older, I’ll feel differently. I’m convinced that I won’t. I’ve talked to friends about it and while none of them want to die anytime soon, the idea of mortality and death doesn’t seem to bother them on the same visceral level that it gets me. The only way I’ve found to deal with it is to not think about it.
FYI, I found your blog via the Sneeze…
3 Aunt Deborah // Aug 23, 2007 at 5:31 pm
( ) These are my arms around you sweet girl. How often I have looked into people eyes - and I mean looked into the eyes of strangers at a traffic light or in the mall and wonder their thoughts, pains or if they had someone love them today. Sometimes I have to look away from the night sky because I see the stars then think about the earth - then this county, then this specific ground I am standing upon and I become too small. The older I get the more death and life surround me. The closer I become to the eventual end. I know it can happen to anyone at anytime but then I think lets look at the odds here - how many people are in the world. But I know one day I am going to be with the Lord and I am so thankful I know Him. I feel sad for people that don’t even believe and have that peace. Fear used to sneak in and panic would become my breathing set. Then I became older - wiser maybe - I realized there is only an end to this husk of life not to my spirit - not to me. Eternity is a long time to be with those I love. Why be happy with just lunch with those treasured ones when someday I will be living in the neighborhood with them forever. Heck you’re on my street. I have told the boys since birth that I will be waiting for them at the gates of heaven so when it is their time I will be the first to hug them home. I even made them repeat it to me - to this day if I ask when I die where will I be they look roll their eyes and say “at the gates of heaven”. Mel when it is your time remember I will be at the gates to give you your first hug - everyone else will just have to wait in line.
4 kristen // Aug 23, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Just want to send you a hug. It will get easier. It takes a long long time, but it does get easier.
I’ll be thinking of you this weekend. My dad’s out there too, in the Pacific, same thing…it’s been 12 years since we let his ashes go. A lifetime, and I’m still not resolved, but better. You will be too.
5 andi // Aug 24, 2007 at 3:51 am
I have nothing original to say but to thank you for this beautiful post and tell you that my thoughts will be with you this weekend.
6 Cakehead // Aug 25, 2007 at 4:27 pm
My gosh. You have put my thoughts perfectly into words. I don’t know if it’s my age; the fact that I am REALLY beginning to understand what being mortal means; or if it’s that I never really believed in an afterlife (though I desperately want to and live my life as if there is). My uncle passed away almost a year ago suddenly. He was so full of life and love. He was always laughing. In the blink of an eye there was nothing left of him. He was gone. I don’t understand how someone so….conscious and aware…can become nothing. I want to believe that’s NOT what happens, but I guess I’m a pessimist that way.
I’m sorry about your stepfather, I hope that your family can find peace this weekend. My thoughts are with you.
7 kellypea // Aug 26, 2007 at 5:02 am
Hugs to you Mel…I was talking to the MoH about dying last night. I know he thinks I’m strange because I just bring things like this up over dinner, but if it’s on my mind, then I have to discuss it. Especially when we don’t have “plans” for things like that. Plans as in I prefer cremation, and he shivers over that. I can see the look on his face that he’d rather not discuss such a morbid thing, but I think it’s important. And I, too, have often wondered about how someone can suddenly just not be there. I’ve decided that a lifetime of accumulated knowledge has to have some kind of a presence. I’d like to think that although the body stops, the mind continues out there in the universe, hopefully congregating with others whose purpose is good…
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