So blogging has brought me into contact with all sorts of genuinely good and awesome people. In my writing about The Boy, I have been buoyed up by the kind and encouraging comments of people I have never met. So what I want to know is…where the hell are all you people in real life? I read writing like this and this….and read the comments that go along with them, and it gives me this false sense of security on what it is really like out there for The Boy, or anyone who doesn’t fit into the incredibly small box that society allows to pass as “normal”. Unfortunately, in the average day, I come into contact with many….um… less enlightened people.
The Girl goes to tae kwon do twice a week. The Boy comes along with me and sits through her half hour lesson. Last week, a few minutes after the class began, The Boy asked if he could borrow my cell phone to call his Mamaw. I told him that he needed to take the phone right outside so that his conversation did not disturb others. A minute or so after he left, I heard this lovely conversation between two members of the same extended family (I’m guessing grandma or possibly, aunt….and maybe an another uncle), discussing a young boy that they both apparently babysit. They had been discussing the various “behavioral issues” and things that they had been dealing with with this boy.
Man: You know they said he has autism.
Woman: No. No. No way. Now I don’t believe that.
Man: Well they said he had been diagnosed.
Woman: No. I don’t believe that. He is no dummy. No, he is not dumb.
(By this time, I am bristling and begin taking deep cleansing breaths. She continued.)
Woman: No. He is too smart to have that. He is not retarded.
Man: Well, some people who are autistic are supposed to be really smart.
Woman: Well, no. I just don’t by that. Maybe when he was little…but not now. He is growing out of it. He’ll grow out of it.
Ugh.
They continued on about how he just needed more discipline….and how she doesn’t take any of that crap from him….and how she just spanks him when he needs it….and how once, she smacked him so hard on the leg, her hand “stung for a long time” afterwards. And they laughed. Yeah. Hilarious.
Aside from my disgust at the whole conversation, I felt a great sense of relief. Had The Boy not decided to make a phone call he would have heard that whole exchange. Dummy. Retard. All of it.
As I sat there, I was tempted to say something…but what? Their conversation was really none of my business…no matter how loudly they were having it. But while The Boy didn’t hear it this time, he very may well hear it the next time. But what good would my saying something do?
So…what would you have done?
16 responses so far ↓
1 Kelley // Sep 26, 2007 at 10:53 am
Wow. Just came across your blog and was drawn to ‘about the boy’ I just had a ‘feeling’ you were going to say ASD.
And then this post. My son is on the severe end of Autism and if one more person gives me parenting advice I will seriously do them some damage. My son is severely Autistic but also has an IQ of 148. So where does that put him in the eyes of these people? Oh, yeah, Rainman. Grrrrrrrrr.
I am so glad for you that The Boy wasn’t there to hear that, but perhaps it is something you needed to here to start preparing him for the stupid insensitive people of the world.
Now that I have got that off my chest I will have a wander around your blog, looks great!
But first I need to deal with my son, Boo, who has just found a toothpick and dug at his tooth so much that blood is pouring everywhere and now he is painting with it. Sigh. A couple of weeks ago he just pulled his own teeth out because they were ‘bothering him’
2 Karen Rani // Sep 26, 2007 at 11:38 am
Oh wow. Just wow. I’m not sure I’d be able to hold my tongue, but that’s me. I don’t have answers for you but know I’m standing right next to you in spirit (and completely steamed too!)
((((hugs))))
3 kristen // Sep 26, 2007 at 12:58 pm
This just breaks my heart. And I really don’t know that I would have had the courage to interject, to say something to enhance their understanding of what autism is–but then would it really have made a difference?
Thank you for the link to the post about Ryan. It’s a beautifully written piece and one I don’t think I would have stumbled upon in my own browsing around.
I too get a false sense of security from the support and love I find online–but then I know just where to look for what I want to hear. In real life, it’s a bit messier. I can’t simply hit the delete button or the back button or click away from what offends or upsets me.
Sigh.
4 rachel // Sep 26, 2007 at 1:21 pm
i would have said something. probably because i’m too stupid to keep my mouth shut, or maybe too smart. i doubt either way it would have done any good. people can be so unbelievably closed minded it’s disgusting. i was a teacher for a long time and in my travels, i encountered a little boy named evan who was autistic. when put in the right environment, he flourished. he was such an amazing little person. but at the end of the day, he went home to a family that made no secret of the fact that they thought their son, this beautiful, smart, funny child was a “retard”. i tried to talk with them, send little notes home about things that he did.. all kind of things. i knew it changed nothing, but i spent my time with him everyday trying to make his day the best it could be. the hard part was knowing what he had to go home to. anyway… my point is, you can’t save the world. maybe it’s better that you didn’t say anything, because it’s hard to believe that people like that would have taken it into consideration. and while you can’t save the world, you can make an amazing world for matt… and that’s what you are doing. you are giving him so much encouragement, so much hope & support & knowledge. he’s going to grow up to show so many people that maybe it is normal to be a little “different”. i’m rambling & i’m sorry. haha.
5 Kimberly // Sep 26, 2007 at 1:31 pm
I don’t think I would have said anything either. Grunted in disgust and shot a million eye daggers, yes. There are too many stupid people out there to save them all.
6 Lori at Spinning Yellow // Sep 26, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Hi! I’ve never been to your blog before but just clicked over from From Here to There and Back.
I’d like to say that I would have said something, because I think we should be “enlightening” people when it appears necessary. But, the truth is, it probably depends on my mood that day. Sometimes I feel articulate and all crusader like and others, well, I just go home and cry about how ignorant the general population is.
This is one of the main reasons why I blog, to raise awareness. You bring up a great point in that I am mostly preaching to the choir. Out here, in the blogosphere I feel community and acceptance that I don’t in real life. Why would the people I might be trying to enlighten ever read my story? Only those that already understand are readers.
So, I think we do need to say something to people, but that doesn’t mean I necessarily know what to say or that I have the courage to do it.
7 Heather // Sep 26, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Funny how things seem to come together, huh? The Boy leaving the room in time to miss that. A good thing!
Well, those two people were speaking from ignorance, that’s obvious. First, they don’t really know what autism is.
Second, they are very very confused people who mistake discipline with punishment. More ignorance on their part. Every child needs discipline. But discipline doesn’t mean spanking or the like. And disciplining a child like mine means doing it differently. Hell, the entire parenting game is different with him!
I have seen Payton “outgrow” some of his characteristics. Even so, he’s still far behind his classmates in terms of social intelligence. I don’t know if he’ll ever catch up, or if he even should catch up. I’ve always said maturity is way overrated.
I’m not sure what I would have done either. I know how much I’ve struggled to deal with my own son’s differentness and I’m not even a person who values “normal”. I can’t imagine what I would mentally go through if I were someone who puts fitting in pretty high on the list. And they could be one of those people. They could also just be “old school”. Beat ‘em out of ‘em kind of mentality is pretty much impossible to overcome.
8 Carrissa // Sep 26, 2007 at 7:59 pm
It’s amazing how ignorant some people can be in this day and age!
I have a big mouth, and I probobly would have walked over, and, as politly as possible, let them know how rude and offensive their conversation was.
I work with adults with developmental dissabilities, and my son is currently being evaluated for Aspergers. If I heard the word “retard” or “dummy” I would have LOST it. And to talk about striking a child for something they can’t help???? Who’s the real dummy in this situation?
9 Blog Antagonist // Sep 26, 2007 at 8:52 pm
SIGH. Do you perchance live in the South? I hear that kind of ignorant crap all the time. Not that ignorance is confined to the South, but…I don’t know…old attitudes die hard here. Or something.
I’m sorry you had to be subjected to that. I often think about setting those kind of people straight but you know what? It wouldn’t make any difference to them.
I would have just moved, I guess. And thanked my lucky stars that I have been raised by people who made sure I didn’t have those kinds of prejudices.
10 Aunt Deborah // Sep 26, 2007 at 9:06 pm
This reminds me of a situation I was in once. A situation that changed my life - truly. When I was a first year teacher - and I mean first year - it was my first month! I had a student who was troubled - in different ways than the boy - anyway he was hard and frustrating and I was hard hearted and frustrated. I met a friend for coffee at a local coffee house. She asked how my first teacher job was going - I let loose - I told her how the young man was so hard and so frustrating. I am sure I just let go with so many words. I honestly don’t remember all that I said. After I was done with my spew I received a very gentle tap on my shoulder and there stood the young man mom. (honestly I am crying right now because I still feel sooooo bad). She was quiet and kind - not mad or angry - she truly kindly said,”I know he is hard, but he has a very good heart. Maybe you two will get to know each other better soon. If you need any help please let me know.” Then she smiled and walked away. I learned a lesson to my core. Everyone has someone who loves them and everyone deserves to be treated with respect - period. I never talked about another student like that again - and when I had a hard student I would think to myself that they have a Mother who cares (hopefully). The story is long but the fact is “yes” I would have said something, I would have said kindly to these lost people,”Excuse me but I have a son who is autistic and if you have any questions I can really help you with answers. Sorry I didn’t mean to over hear you but please could you be kind with your words when he comes back in. Thanks.”
11 AngelNicki // Sep 26, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Roundhouse kick to the spleen sounds just about right in that situation! I feel sorry for that little kid they were talking about, and worried about his parents who let these people babysit!
Yes, the world can be cruel… and it CAN be misleading to meet people in the Internet world who are more understanding and who are going through similar things. But we’re lucky to have the Internet, because at least people can reach out and touch each other, instead of thinking we are all alone!
12 aimee/greeblemonkey // Sep 27, 2007 at 4:15 am
I have no idea what I would have done, but it sure breaks my heart.
13 mamatulip // Sep 28, 2007 at 6:00 pm
I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to start things, who usually just chooses to “suffer in silence”, as I was raised that way, and who usually keeps her opinions to herself.
But. Honestly, I don’t think I could have kept quiet in this case. I do think I would have said something. I would have been polite about it, but I don’t think I could have let that slip by me.
14 kellypea // Sep 28, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I have a history of speaking before I think, and so I’ve learned to entertain myself with an internal conversation involving all the things I’d LIKE to say to people like this. Are they ignorant, or just stupid? And is it my job to educate them? Goodness knows it’s in my blood, so I really, really have to bite my tongue and be very glad that I am not them. Very. Like I’ve said before — how fortunate The Boy is that you are his mother.
15 the new girl // Sep 29, 2007 at 11:47 am
I would have done what you did, Mel. I think if she doesn’t ‘buy it’ from a member of her own family, she’s certainly not going to ‘buy it’ from a total stranger.
Better to work with and within the boy, as you do, to better understand himself and to be equipped, when the time comes, to be able to give others a better first-hand understanding (if he chooses to).
You are both remarkable.
16 Dory // Oct 1, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Hi Mel!
Both my boys have AS. Life is… often challenging… often interesting… sometimes entertaining. If someone doesn’t know a kid with AS, they haven’t the first clue about it. Asperger’s defies explanation and demands observation to even begin to understand. Hang in there.
Generally, I’m a huge chicken-butt and don’t rock the boat. But when it comes to my boys, I am like a lioness protecting her cubs. I couldn’t NOT have said something to those women. I wouldn’t have been bitchy, but I wouldn’t have been sunshine and giggles, either.
The Rockstar turns 11 in 15 days. *sigh*
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