I’ve been having a hard time with the Internet lately, friends. My inbox has been crammed full of spam, somehow eluding my filter…while real mail gets marked spam. The real kicker is that some of the spam is coming from email addresses from my own website. My business site has been hacked…then I read this…..and this….and see this……
Click on those links…and the links in the next paragraph. Really. I know you are busy, but take a few minutes.
Photos of children stolen from flickr and used to create fake profiles on orkut. Photos of children being used without permission for advertising and various places throughout the web, by companies who should know better. Flickr is turning into a free replacement for Getty and a candy store for perverts.
As I sat tonight, scouring hundreds upon hundreds of fake profiles on orkut for pictures of my kids, I found something even more disturbing. What could be more disturbing than people using photos of children to create fake dating profiles? Well, and I need to choose my words very carefully here, so as not to bring about the legions of Google perverts…..there is a site geared specifically to grown adults who “love” people like The Boy. My son. Your sons. Their message boards discuss their fantasy experiences…..and unfortunately, real life experiences.
I don’t know the legalities of copying from a message board, but tough, I am doing it anyway. Let the perverts try to sue me. I’m sure their computer would be stuffed full of all sorts of things that could land them in jail. I felt the need to repost something that made me pretty much throw up.
“My job takes me into people’s homes all day and I am amazed how many naked little boys are running around the homes I visit. They range in age from 2-6. One 5 yr old had nothing on but a Superman cape and wanted to watch me work and asked a million questions, leaning up against me. His mother didn’t bat an eye. Another boy was outside on the porch in the warm sunshine crouched down sorting rocks. His mom was outside raking leaves. The boy also spent a lot of time talking to me, completely unassuming in all his boyhood glory. I felt dizzy driving home that day…”
I am hardly one to suggest we live in constant fear of every person our children come into contact with….but something about this…..the casual ease at which their fantasies were able to collide with my world….well, it really stuck with me.
Many of the men on this site are in church groups. According to them, it allows them close contact and trust. Some of them are underage themselves, removing most any guard we would have as parents. Who would think our 15 year old’s friend would try to cuddle with his younger brother, right? There were a couple of lifeguard/swim instructors. Camp counselors. Teachers. Tutors. Friends. Uncles.
When I thought it couldn’t get worse…there was this……
“working in a large home for autistic and special needs boys you would not believe what i have seen.”
and this….
“Being a pediatrician in training, I’ve certainly seen my share of naked boys. I get to touch them in selective areas as well. Just doing my job…”
And then I think I exploded with rage.
What was the point of me posting it? Was it to instill even more fear into our existence as parents? No. I posted it because I stumbled across a sad, sick peek into the mind’s of the perverts who prey upon our children. I posted this to help us not to live in fear, but to be more aware. Be vigilant. Don’t give trust freely, simply because someone is from church or has MD after their name. These men were able to have the jobs I listed, because they are very careful not to cross certain lines. They believe in fantasizing and simple displays of affection….until they believe their particular “friend” consents. Until then, they seek out opportunities to observe nudity and pursue casual contact. The word cuddling came up quite a bit (vomit). They invest a lot of time developing what appear to be casual, even mentoring relationships. Many times they even believe themselves to be in love, and that the children are in love with them in return. Some of them vow to never cross into any physical touch at all, keeping the relationship “pure”….and are clearly not able to acknowledge that the nature of their desires are repulsive and unnatural. They believe that others, like you and I, just don’t understand…and are taking something “pure” and making it into something dirty.
I believe we can protect without being overprotective, but we can’t do that by being uninformed. I could have lived my whole life without ever knowing that websites (or people) like that existed…even now, I wish I could disinfect my brain…no, my very soul, with bleach. But along with my feelings of utter disgust, I gained some valuable insight on how to help protect my children. There is no reason for my children (or yours) to be alone, unobserved, with anyone…doctor, tutor, pastor, anyone. Kids need to be fully clothed and constantly and carefully supervised when anyone is entering our homes for any reason….repairs, inspections, whatever. Be involved. Watch the swim practice or music lesson. You’d be surprised how many parents drop their kids off at The Girl’s tae kwon do lesson, only to sit out in their cars reading or talking on cell phones. I know as a parent, you have to take those five minutes when you can…but do your best to establish a presence. According to the perverts, it is much more difficult to prey upon those whose parents are involved and available. Don’t be ruled by fear, but be vigilant and aware.
I know some people are against putting pictures of children at all on the internet. I totally understand that point of view. I, however, have believed thus far, that the benefit has outweighed the risk. I am cautious about what I post, but I will not be ruled by fear. I will be even more cautious now - I have made most of my photos, especially those of my children, on flickr friends and family only. But I will not let the sickos win. Not online or in the real world.
21 responses so far ↓
1 Kelley // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:13 am
Words. None. I feel sick. My boy is on the severe end of Autism and refuses to wear clothes. We have locks everywhere but he still manages to escape. Naked.
Oh I cant think. This is appalling. I have more words but they are expletives.
Could I do a short post to send people here to read your post. I don’t have the strength nor the stomach to do it myself.
2 Wisconsin Mommy // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:14 am
It is just sickening when you read what goes on in the minds of these people. Yet they do tell us what they think and how they operate - we have to listen and use that information to our advantage. It’s such a hard line to walk - between being careful and being paranoid. Thank you for your thoughtful post.
3 jen // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:29 am
Oh *$&*(#(. It’s always been in the back of my mind about the things that could possibly happen with posting photos of my son on Flickr and on my website, but this just confirms it. Thanks for the links. Will have to do some more research.
4 Blog Antagonist // Oct 4, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I’ve been around the net a long time and I’ve seen some very nasty stuff. That’s why I only post pictures of my children very, very rarely. And it’s why my kids don’t have their own email, myspace or IM.
It’s sad that it’s come to that, but…it hasn’t really. It’s always been there, lurking underneath the respectability. But the information age brings it right into our homes.
It’s revolting but we don’t have to let them win. We just have to be smart. Great post!
5 The Sarah // Oct 4, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Geez, that makes me wanna throw up - and I don’t even have kids.
Is this something you wanna file under “Things I don’t wanna know about” or something you simply can NOT ignore and should be very aware of?
You certainly don’t want to teach your kids to be afraid of every stranger they meet - but I think that unfortunately it is time that we all (parents and non-parents) start to be more cautious about things like that.
Good post, this needs to be talked about!
6 kristen // Oct 4, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Mel, this is truly sobering. I think on one level I had a feeling it would be like this and that was, in part, behind my decision to keep things fairly anonymous on my blog and never show pictures of my son’s face. But lately, I’ve come closer to trust and have fallen for the warm embrace of this wonderful cyber community we share–all these special needs moms–and so I’ve become a bit more relaxed about the photos I post. Profiles, partial face, etc.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s never okay to let your guard down. We can love and support each other and share our experiences without putting our kids at risk. And you’re right, it’s not just online. It’s everywhere we go in the real world as well.
7 Dory // Oct 4, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Um, WHOA. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.
I thought that boy-love thing was only on cop shows.
8 Cat // Oct 4, 2007 at 2:54 pm
This is so horrible to read, but it’s great that you are reminding us all to not be blind to what’s out there. And it’s so unfortunate that something useful and community-building like Flickr can be used in such a terrible way. Thanks for reminding us.
9 Heather // Oct 4, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Blink. Blink.
Well, at least I know what I’ll be doing on my night off.
Sometimes I hate people.
But thanks for posting this.
10 mamatulip // Oct 4, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I feel sick now. I didn’t want to read this post but I couldn’t stop.
This post rocks. Thanks for writing it. Awareness is really important when it comes to shit like this.
11 Niksmom // Oct 4, 2007 at 6:57 pm
This stuff scares the bejeebers out of me. Nik is not yet 4 and is non-verbal…and, if I do say so myself, a gorgeous child. People stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful he is and I always respond with joy and pride. Now, I feel paranoid and creeped out. I won’t stop going out or sharing pictured of him but I’ll be careful about the kinds of things I share.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hug my child.
12 aimee/greeblemonkey // Oct 4, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Absolutely awesome awesome awesome post.
Have you ever read Protecting The Gift? Amazing book. Really talks about trusting your gut and how all the time many people spend worrying about someone up and grabbing their kid is fairly useless - it’s the people YOU GIVE ACCESS TO YOUR KIDS WHO ARE GOING TO ABUSE THEM. So trust your gut above all.
And I need to ponder a little more about the net stealing of photos and what to do about it. I know there has been issues with Babble doing it lately, I had been worrying about it from a copyright side. Thinking about it form a perv side is another thing all together. Gulp. I think I need to start using Flash.
13 Aunt Deborah // Oct 4, 2007 at 11:05 pm
I remember the first time I found out about incest and man boy crap. After my first son was born (I was 21), I for some reason decided that to be an adult should also include reading the newspaper. I was not well read. I was 21 years old and had to call my Mother to ask if what I just read in the paper was really true! She sadly said Yes - I literally threw up! Here I held this miracle - this perfect gift and there were people in this world that wanted to literally be a predator to him. We need to pull together somehow and fight them. I have always been very very vocal (as you know) but we all need to stand up and shout - STOP! YOU ARE SICK!
14 I need a shower after reading this. « magneto bold too! // Oct 4, 2007 at 11:30 pm
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15 Dana // Oct 5, 2007 at 10:04 am
Two things that came to mind:
1) It is a sad state of affairs that we need to place so much scrutiny in our churches. But they are a haven for abuse for more than one reason. People tend to trust church workers, dropping their children off with people they have never met and don’t even know their names because it is church. But many churches are so desperate for help that they do not really screen workers. Nor do they have to. A church does not have to do a background check before placing someone in a position of responsibility with children. Parents need to take the time to get to know the workers and find out the safety procedures their church has in place. Frighteningly little in some.
2) Regarding photos on the Internet. When I first began a blog, that was my big concern. As I read around to find out information about just how dangerous it was I found some things that were rather interesting to me. Apparently, a good number of pedophiles have literally thousands of pictures in their possession of children…some pornographic and most perfectly “innocent.” Most obtained using telescopic lenses at playgrounds, in parks and in backyards. I read somewhere that it is actually more likely that your child will be photographed without your consent while playing outside than be somehow targeted online because of a blog entry.
That is just frightening. Because there is actual contact there. The person knows the whereabouts of the child s/he is photographing.
16 Karen // Oct 5, 2007 at 12:37 pm
This is the reason I don’t share too much about my kids on my blog. If I post pictures of them, they’re usually in an activity where you can’t see them all too clearly.
It’s a scary world.
17 sweetsalty kate // Oct 6, 2007 at 12:46 am
Great post. Written, like I did, to vent in the aftermath of some unfortunate online discoveries. GULP.
I’ve had time to think about it, and plenty of wonderful, thinky responses to mull over, yours included. I think it’s harder for people who see photography as a creative outlet to simply stop posting at all - if we were just taking snapshots (no dig on snapshots!) and didn’t really have interest in sharing inspiration with a wider community, then the action would be easier - to password-protect and share with friends and family only.
I’m rambling now but wanted to echo your decision to not be consumed with paranoia or FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt). If you believe posting pictures can attract victimization because it invites strangers to see your children, then you should, logically, stop going out in public.
As with everything, common sense… (once we’ve cooled off…)
18 Carrissa // Oct 6, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Ugggg. Predetors are something I fear all the time. While I do not suffocate my kids, I am forever vigilant, always suspicious. My kids never go in to public bathrooms alone. I always stay at birthday parties and playdates with parents I don’t know. The kids know to be wary of strangers. We talk all the time about the fact that it’s always safe to tell Mom and Dad if someone’s hurting you, even if you’re afraid.
But no matter what you do, you can’t be there all the time. You can’t be there at school. You can’t be there on class trips. You can’t always be there when they’re out with relatives. And you worry. You worry about the article you just read about the bus driver who was fondeling children while he drove. You worry about the teacher who was just arrested for abusing children, who already had documented charges of sexual abuse. You worry that the other adults who are caring for your children aren’t as vigilent. That they won’t wait outside the bathroom stall in the park. That they won’t notcie if your easily distracted son wanders off with a stranger. *shivver*
Thanks you for your scary, but informational post. As parents, we can never let our guards down.
19 AngelNicki // Oct 7, 2007 at 1:59 am
I have read things like that before. The grossest part is that these people BRAG about it… they are not ashamed of it, sitting in a shadowy corner somewhere wishing they could get rid of their horrible thoughts. They are forming clubs and exchanging stories like… I dunno… normal people! Very sick.
20 Kimberly // Oct 19, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Wow..that is so scary!! Makes me thankful that I’ve never put pics of my kids online. I’ve always wanted to share but my nagging creep radar (and husband) kept me from doing so.
21 Sad reality check - Hippymom Forums - your cyberhaven! Friendship and support for women. // Feb 14, 2008 at 6:30 pm
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