I am so frustrated with myself right now. I can’t seem to get a handle on anything. My house is a disaster…and I don’t just mean the clutter of kids’ toys. No, really. You should see my bathroom. And the laundry. Oh, the piles of laundry. Clean. Not clean. Just piles. I have hours of work to do on my website. Products to order. Products to make. Photographs to take.
I am failing at everything right now. I am not the kind of mom I want to be. I am not the kind of wife I want to be. I am not the kind of person I want to be. When I turned thirty, I made a plan to get my act together. Eight months later, and I think I’ve actually spiraled out of control even more. I make a schedule….I stick to it for a few days. I stop. I feel the disappointment in myself. I make a new schedule. I vow to do better. Tomorrow is a new day and all of that crap….and I fail yet again.
Things are undone. The chaos escalates. Then the anxiety creeps in. It uses up all of the air in the room. It lives beneath my skin, making its presence constantly known. I berate myself. Why can’t I just do what needs to be done? Why can’t I do what every other mother and wife seems to manage? And I feel guilty. And I feel angry at myself. And the whole process seems to paralyze me. I am frozen. Unable to make the changes I want to make. And the cycle begins again. Remember in the game Tetris, the closer your pieces stack to the top, the faster they go…eventually falling so quickly, that the pile up is unavoidable? Yeah, it’s like that. I was pretty good at Tetris at one time…..so why am I sitting here buried in pieces?
28 responses so far ↓
1 Janelle // Oct 16, 2007 at 10:29 am
Everyone goes through phases like this. Or, at least, I too have gone through phases like this, as have all my mommy-friends.
Right now you are overwhelmed, and adding some self-blame and castigation to your list of things to do is not going to help. You are NOT failing at everything. You are still finding time to mother to your children, teach them, feed them, put them to bed. Understand that falling behind on housework does not make you a bad person, a bad mother, or a bad wife.
You will not dig yourself out of this with lists and shame. That’s like telling someone for whom every diet has failed that they just need to diet more. The problem here, as with most dieters, is that what you actually need is a lifestyle change.
It sounds to me that there is some part of you that already knows what you need: a little help. The form of that is up to you. Do you need someone to come in and clean your home every other week? Do you need someone else to get the kitchen clean and dishes put away in the evenings? Do you just need a couple hours off - every week? (That particular strategy is one I endorse as really working, but the key is that you actually have to take it OFF: no shopping, no errands, no children, no husband.) If you had all the money in the world, what would you use it for to make things easier for you? Now take that list you just made and take all the “Vacations to Tahiti” off it, and look at what remains. Are there any there that, upon looking, seem like maybe they wouldn’t be so expensive? Is there anything on that list that would really really help, and if so, is it maybe worth it? (You can do this same thing with time, if the “money” list didn’t do the trick.) I remember I once did this list, and ended up staring at “full body massage” for a long, long time. Ended up going and getting one (surprisingly affordable, for all that we really didn’t have the money at the time), and I tell you what, it helped.
I think what I’m trying to say here is that it kinda sounds like the problem isn’t laundry. It sounds like maybe you need to be a little gentle with yourself, and try and figure out what will make things easier. (Not what will make things more efficient or drive you harder - but what will feed that part of you that’s starving right now.)
2 jen // Oct 16, 2007 at 11:15 am
Two things. Can you delegate anything? Do the kids and the husband have their jobs too?
And the comment about ‘why can’t I do what every other mother and wife seems to manage?’ I think that even if other mothers and wives appear to manage, that they probably don’t always. People have said to me that they don’t know how I do it and the truth is I don’t always. Sometimes I just sit in my lounge and ball my eyes out, or I yell at my son when he doesn’t deserve it because it gets too much.
This stage will pass. And I agree with what Janelle said about having time out for yourself. It’s so important. Do it.
3 kristen // Oct 16, 2007 at 11:32 am
Wow…what Janelle said. Yes, I also think the answer is not in making lists or forcing yourself to buck up and buckle down. I think the answer is in figuring out some workable alternatives.
You homeschool, right? That means there is no downtime. You don’t have the luxury of 6 hours to yourself while the kids are in school. You don’t have that time to deal with your business/website, housework, errands…
Anyone would feel the pressure of that. Geez, my son stays home sick from school for one day and I’m totally out of sync as a result.
Make Janelle’s list. Maybe it’s worth investing in some part-time help. And go easy on yourself. As I recall, you’ve had some big things this year; life-altering things to process. Take a breath. Let go of the little stuff. Be kind to you.
4 Kelley // Oct 16, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I read that Mel, and OMG it is me right now. But I am in a place that I realise that it is more that I expect too much of myself, and then beat myself up for not meeting my own obscene expectations.
Janelle had some great advice there. I should really take some of it on board.
Especially as I just spent the last 6 hours going round and round in an argument with Boo (and as you know, a fight I will never ever win) and ended up screaming at him. Sigh.
5 jeanie // Oct 16, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Hi there - just came over from Jen at Semantically Driven - I know where you are at in wondering where your carefully constructed dreams are hidden within the world of chaos around you.
Now, I love my lists, but sometimes they have beaten me down!!!
It certainly sounds like you have found a very handy target with the whacking stick - stop it, stop it I say!! Self-flagellation is just another thing that should be on the bottom of a very long to-do list.
My tip is to celebrate the small victories. Don’t set out to win the battle every day. Do at least one thing to make you feel good about yourself - meditation, window shopping, laughing out loud, walking in the park. I don’t know - whatever tickles the you you want to reconnect with.
Good luck.
6 Kristin // Oct 16, 2007 at 12:45 pm
You might not want my opinion or advice at all and if not i’m sorry. I’ve been reading your blog for anly a few weeks and if I’m over stepping I apologize.
I think we all feel like that from time to time. My advice is to take it one day (or even one hour) at a time and ask for help. The word Mother does not mean superhero. You are allowed to take a break and to ask someone else to help out. Constantly asking doesn’t feel too good but one good conversation of seperating household tasks and chores might do the trick. I agree with Janelle that you need some time to yourself as well to recharge the battery but until the “chaos” is under control I’m sure you don’t feel up to relaxing. Get it all straightened out with as much help as possible and start fresh. What if you try to get the kids to help by teaching them about organization and running a house? It might help you not only to get a few extra hands helping out but it’s something every kid has to learn and knowing they’re watching you might be the best incentive to keep you on a plan.
Remember that you’ll be okay. There will always be laundry. Your kids will only be kids once. Try to have some fun!
Kristin
7 Darci // Oct 16, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Thank you for putting into words the exact feelings I have been having for the past 6 months. Why can’t I do what everyone else seems to get. I have the piles, I have the unfinished things, I have the bathrooms and the dust.
I will do yours if you do mine.
8 rachel // Oct 16, 2007 at 1:47 pm
mel,
please don’t be so hard on yourself! you juggle so much with your kids, homeschool, the house… everything that you have to do to be such an amazing mother and wife. eventually, you are bound to burn out. you are bound to feel like you are at the bottom of a pile of tetris blocks with no way out!
take some time for yourself to regroup.a lot of times, situations don’t seem quite so bad when you take a step back and look in from the outside.
i wish we were closer together because i’d totally send you out for a night of fun kid free. :o)
but, truthfully… i’m a lot like you in the sense that when things start to get out of order, panic sets in. mind bending, body crippling PANIC. maybe it’s not that bad for you, but hey… whatever. but i know what it feels like to have this feeling that you’ve pretty much lost all control. and it sucks.
i wish i had some worldy bits of advice to give you in the way that you seemed to offer the same thing to me, but me? i haven’t got much in the worldly experience sector of life just yet.
what i can tell you is that you are a pretty awesome person, and things usually work out well for pretty amazing people. even if things seem overwhelming right now, they are going to get better.
just tackle life one pile of laundry at a time.
9 rik // Oct 16, 2007 at 3:21 pm
i don’t have any great advice, like janelle, but i just wanted to say hang in there…we all go through that every once in a while. try to learn something from the experience and it will make it all the easier for the next time.
10 Angela // Oct 16, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Wow! I would have said what Janelle said! You are such a wonderful mother and wife and there is no doubting that! Really…everything she said…and I wish I lived near to help out with the kids and I would even be your cleaning lady. I dont mind cleaning other peoples houses, its just getting mine done…anyways, I know Im a few states away, but please let me know if I can do anything (computer wise or anything).
We love you!
11 Dory // Oct 16, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Mel, it’s OK. Please be a little easier on yourself.
Will it help if I show you how much I suck? I bet it will.
My last day at work was May 25. I had all summer off. I still have pictures to take, graphic projects to finish, perpetually 8 loads of laundry to fold and hang, boxes and boxes of negatives to scan, I need to spend more time with the boys, make menus and grocery lists so I’m not freeking out at 5.30 every dang night, make a chore list so the boys will actually have jobs to do and an allowance, my house is always an f’n pit, and I STILL need a damn job.
We’re just perfectionists, you and I. And we will never be able to live up to the impossible standards we set for ourselves. But we can do our bests, and that is all anyone can expect of us.
12 Oh, The Joys // Oct 16, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Pick one thing. One thing a day to do better. Start there.
13 Heather // Oct 16, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Shhhh, here’s a secret Mel. Those other moms…they don’t have it together either. I’ve seen it for myself. It’s all illusion so we can feel bad about ourselves.
14 AngelNicki // Oct 16, 2007 at 11:21 pm
I totally know that feeling of being so overwhelmed you feel like puking when you look at your laundry!
Remember… there really is no standard you have to live up to, except for the ones you set for yourself! Your kids don’t care how dirty your bathroom is or how much laundry is piled up, and really, nobody else does either! They will love you even when you are serving PBJ for dinner or anything else!
15 Sarcasta-Mom // Oct 17, 2007 at 12:51 am
There isn’t much I can add that these other wonderful women hasn’t already said. I can however, be another voice that says I’ve been there, many times, and will be again, and I understand how you feel.
I think all moms feel an obligation to be perfect, to bake the cookies, fold the laundry, have a super star career, be a devoted wife, etc. and when we fall short, we beat ourselves up.
From what I’ve read in your blogs, you are a passionate person and a loving mother. Your family knows how much you do, and they love you even if they have to dig for a clean pair of socks
Just hold on, and keep remembering all of the things that make you spectacular. After all, nobody’s judging you by the cleanliness of your bathroom but you.
16 Tom // Oct 17, 2007 at 4:27 am
Only thing I can say after all that is… Look ! This post is something you’ve finished and if that’s the only thing you accomplish today, be glad you got that one thing finished. There’s always tomorrow to do one more thing and eventually it will either all get done or it won’t and it won’t matter. My Darling Wife has to hear this from time to time otherwise she’d never get anything done on those days or weeks that she can’t move because the piles of “to-do’s” are just too huge.
So… Look!! One thing got done! Yay!!
17 Tangerine // Oct 17, 2007 at 10:51 am
Just a hug for you, because I’ve been where you are and it sucks.
When you have a full basket of socks to pair up, what do you do? You take it one sock at a time. That’s my sage advice after being up all night with a sick toddler.
Hang in there
18 Heather // Oct 17, 2007 at 11:15 am
Heh. I just wrote a post last night in which this figures large. What everybody else said is True and right, so I’m not going to touch how everybody feels this way.
Instead, I’m going to offer you a tip that helps me. In addition to all my lists, I choose one room and one chore that has to be done each day and do it on that day. I also use a kitchen timer (that I use to help Jeffrey keep himself straight) to keep me focused on each job. When the thirty (or fifteen or five) minutes I’ve alloted myself are up, I move on. This keeps me from getting obsessed with cleaning the lint from the corners of the laundry room when there is a huge stack of dishes in the kitchen that are threatening to take over the house!
Keep your chin up, lady. I think everybody in the Mommy Brigade goes through this.
19 andi // Oct 17, 2007 at 2:31 pm
What OTJ and Heather said. Seriously, no one is that mom. And if they are, they are some sort of Stepfordish robot. Just do what you can manage and everything is going to turn out just fine.
I’ve had to learn to let go of that whole guilt thing - it’s really so counterproductive. You love your kids and sometimes that just has to be enough.
20 Dave // Oct 17, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I read your post today on my monitor at work. Sitting on my monitor is a little hand written note that simply says “Some things are beyond my control”.
I think back to what caused me to write this and stick it on my monitor so I could read it everyday… About a year ago ‘my’ life was an emotional wreck. I have a super-strongwilled 3 year old boy and a wife that works alot, but that wasn’t my problem. They just took the brunt of my emotional outbursts.
Empathetic people (such as yourself) have a tendency to let everyone elses’ problems affect them (and generally in bad ways). Being empathetic is a wonderful attribute until it starts taking it’s toll on you and your family.
Sit back and see what are actually your problems and what are the problems of others you are bring on yourself. Remember if others don’t want to be fixed you are not going to be able to fix them.
Hang in there! Keep up the wonderful posts (may I suggest you go back and read your post about the sex ed class and laugh alot about the things that are right in your life).
PS I wouldn’t feel at home without a clean load of laundry sitting on my loveseat waiting to be folded (or moved someplace else).
21 Eliza // Oct 17, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Aw, crap. No words of wisdom here, but if you come across any do let me know because I’m in the same boat (seriously–wanna feel better about yourself? Come read MY uncensored ugly today). Totally with you on the laundry.
22 Mrs. Chicken // Oct 17, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I feel this way ALL THE TIME. I swear, I have a touch of ADD. That doesn’t help the natural chaos of a family, even my small one.
Go easy on yourself. You’re human.
23 One of Those Lame Placeholders…. // Oct 18, 2007 at 11:52 am
[…] ← The One That Just Narrowly Escaped the Delete Button […]
24 Bad Hippie // Oct 18, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I just had my son’s stepmother tell me (when I had to ask her to take him to an appointment, because I had a JOB INTERVIEW): “Things are busy over here, too, but we get IMPORTANT things done.”
So, yeah…if you aren’t my son’s stepmom, you’re probably in the same boat with the rest of us. Lots of stuff to do, and little time to do it in. I haven’t figured out how to balance it all. Drugs? Vodka? A maid? Fewer cats? I guess you have to figure out what works for you and do it. Who cares what the other moms do?
I swear, if they look pulled together, they are totally FAKING it.
25 cakehead // Oct 18, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I like to call it early mid-life crisis. I went through the same thing at thirty, now at thirty-two I still don’t feel like I’ve accomplished enough. I can’t tell you how many times I have internally screamed at myself for being such a crummy mother, housekeeper, etc…but the truth of the matter is that I am doing the best I can. Just as you are. I had to chuckle at Dave’s comment. I never can seem to get that last load (or two) of laundry folded and put away. In fact, I have a small load sitting all crumpled on top of my dresser right now. I used to tell myself that these piles of undone things were a sign of the undone-ness of my life; until I realized it’s really just a sign that I chose something else to do. Whether it was packing for my move, or vegging in front of the TV. The piles just aren’t important.
I hope I made sense. I didn’t get enough sleep last night.
26 mikster // Oct 18, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Want a lifesaver kid? (Why that popped into my head about a cheesy commercial is beyond me.)
27 Holy Server Failure, Batman! // Oct 23, 2007 at 11:42 pm
[…] My site’s server has been down all day. Remind me why I switched to self-hosted again? That’s okay, I didn’t write anything for here anyway. I’ve been working on The Boy’s interview project. He has new interviews up, and about eight more ready to go. And if you are a fan of The Sneeze…which you should be….take a look here. Now I need to get back to trying to make it through the rest of the day without killing my kids. My house is messy enough already. […]
28 Jeff // Oct 25, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Mel,
Sometimes we’re at the top of our game and sometimes we’re not. Everyone else gave great advice, so I won’t repeat any. Just know that being too hard on yourself isn’t going to help.
It can be a dog-eat-dog world, and sometimes you forget and wear your Milk-Bone underwear. It’s ok.
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