Many people have a negative impression of homeschooling overall. I get that. I hear about it. I experience it. Whether it be negative or positive, people usually have an idea in their heads of what kids that are homeschooled are like. The images are either the socially backwards, maybe a little weird kids or the freakishly intelligent, spelling bee prize winning child prodigy. As parents we are constantly judged on our choices, but with homeschooling still being less than mainstream, the judgment can seem to be cranked up a notch. For many homeschooling families, the judgment can even come from inside their own families. Thankfully, we have avoided that. For the most part, our family is supportive.
When it comes to homeschooling The Boy, sometimes the pressure to make him fit a certain image can creep in and threaten to overpower my common sense. Because of his Asperger’s Syndrome, The Boy may struggle in social situations, perpetuating the myth, in some people’s minds, that homeschooling causes kids to be socially awkward. In a similar vein, The Boy is very intelligent, but has some learning difficulties that can make relaying his knowledge in many of the ways traditionally expected in a school setting, a struggle. He also hates anything having to do with school. Traditional school, homeschool, whatever. He hates it. Needless to say, that makes our day to day lessons a bit…well….a lot….a whole, whole lot…difficult. At least once a day week, I find myself in the fetal position throwing my hands up, wondering if we can make this homeschooling thing work. How quickly I forget that every single night, that The Boy was in traditional school, played out the same exact way, as we struggled to complete homework…for hours. But I don’t want to dwell too much on the fact that The Boy reacts to being presented with a math worksheet as if he were being asked to surgically remove his own arm without anesthesia…..My point was, that when asked about being homeschooled, or school work, or what he is learning, The Boy’s reaction is not exactly the one people expect. Unless of course hissing is what they expect, but I somehow doubt that. This immediately brings up either, the peculiar looks, or sometimes even the straight out comments about how perhaps he would like to go to (traditional) school better. Because of his hatred for all things educational, you won’t find him reading encyclopedias, winning spelling bees, or solving complex math equations in his spare time. That pretty much shoots the second homeschooler stereotype out the window. Look at us, breaking down stereotypes. Yep. We’re good like that.
Unfortunately, The Boy veers sometimes, into the first stereotype. Yeah, the socially awkward one. And I let it get to me. I let it bother me that people may assume that his behaviors are due to homeschooling. I let it bother me that people see his behaviors and judge him at all. And I worry and I fuss, and sometimes I am too hard on him. As if my staying on top of things can make him be anything other than himself. And then of course I am ashamed for even considering trying to make him be something different, because he is perfect and unique just the way he is. And I’ve sort of lost my focus here, but I guess my point is….Bah. Parenting can be hard. Homeschooling can be hard. But both are made unnecessarily more complicated if you allow yourself to pay any heed at all to the judgment of others. I’ve made a deal with myself to block out that judgment when it starts to get to me. From now on, I am just going to do the best that I can and I will let The Boy do the same…and anyone who has a problem with that? So be it.
19 responses so far ↓
1 The Nester // Jan 8, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Well, I have the same feelings only in a different area. I always feel like I’m being judged by other homeschool moms (you know the ones who actually do wear dresses and drink raw milk). I don’t know maybe that’s even you! I always felt weird around them like maybe they think I’m a satan worshipper just because I wear jeans, the cute ones. So then, I really want to debunk the fashion stereotype (I cannot spell) and always dress really up to date and make sure that my boys don’t wear the homeschool uniform. You know, buzzed off hair, sweats and black tennis shoes.
I figured out, I was actually the one being judgemental. Those moms in the skirts are all so kind and I bet raw milk tastes really good. Even though still prefer a diet coke or iced coffee I try not to assume that all the other “good homeschool moms” are thinking I’m awful.
Needless to say. I can realate. Thanks so much for your honesty. I’m looking forward to visiting often.
2 Beauty Product Blog // Jan 8, 2008 at 2:52 pm
My daughter was socially awkward and I chose to keep her in the traditional school scene. It has been a long haul to get to graduation next year, and I sometimes have questioned my decision to keep her there as opposed to homeschool.
In the last year she has really blossomed and has a clearer idea if her goals then any other kid in her class, so maybe my choice was a good one. I really have no way of ever knowing.
The point is, stick to your choice and be proud of it. It may take awhile, but things will all work out.
3 kristen // Jan 8, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I think the wisdom you talk about here–in turning a blind eye to the judgement of others–extends well beyond your homeschooling analogy. Seriously, I spend my whole life, M-F, 8am - 3pm, worrying about how my son’s teachers are judging me because his behavior in school is so out of sync with the typical kids. As if his diagnosis is a mark against my parenting skills, as if I could “change” or “fix” the things that annoy them.
It’s so hard, all the time. Regardless of the educational choices we make. We need more acts of kindness, more camaraderie between parents and teachers, more compassion and acceptance.
Thanks for posting about this. I hate that I let it get to me too.
4 Amanda // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Thanks so much for your honesty. I feel so much of what you are feeling right now and I haven’t even started homeschooling yet.
I’m so thankful for the resources and support that I have found online especially in these last few days as I have had a rough time of explaining myself.
5 s'mee // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:56 pm
If it makes you feel any better I judge everyone, not just home schoolers. hehe. I think it is human nature, not a good one, but we all seem to pick on the runt so that we feel “stronger, faster better than [we] were before”.
My lovelies all went to public school, e-freaking-gads! (SOOO glad that’s over with!) I would have home schooled my kids, but I knew *I* wasn’t disciplined enough and they would have all grown up with only an education from museums and the beach, that’s sick, dude!
Anywho, all of my boys barely escaped. They all hated school for educational reasons, it was strictly a place to met their friends. After graduation they totally bloomed. Being a grown up did much for them. And me, whew! i.e. School Sucked!
The girls were waaaay to into school and were the teacher’s pet kind of students, although they were sick -a lot- because the stress they gave themselves.
o.k. done with the comments.
Boys hate school. They’ll be great adults. We all judge when we shouldn’t. You’re o.k. I’m freaking fantastic! Film at eleven.
6 zhnjg // Jan 9, 2008 at 2:25 am
Hey. My brother has Aspergers. Not to terrify you completely, but he did spend a good amount of time in certain hospitals during his adolescence. This was because my parents couldn’t provide the ‘bubble’ he needed. Perhaps home-schooling is the best answer, then.
Strangely, I feel a sort of ‘reverse judgment.’ My inlaws hail from the Bible belt, where home-schooling seems more common. I’ve read magazine after magazine in their home that labels public school a ’sin.’ I’m so irritated and annoyed that although my husband and I don’t have kids yet, this is obviously a battle waiting to happen. My biggest objection to home-schooling? The chronic insecurity and unease I sense in my husband, who was home-schooled through grade 9. It’s difficult to shake that feeling of being an ‘outsider.’ I guess some do it better than others.
Just hopping on by, and thought your entry was really interesting…rock on:)
7 Kelley // Jan 10, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hard day? Someone rub you the wrong way? You need me to come and knock some sense into someone with my killer heels? Cause you know I am there. Just say the word.
Wait for me OK? I will be there homeschooling my Boo in, hopefully, 4 years. I hope no earlier….
8 AngelNicki // Jan 11, 2008 at 1:10 am
Yeah, nobody should be judging you. You know what is right for your kids.
9 Tom // Jan 11, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I did the public school, then Christian school (2 of them and got kicked out of the second. Yeah, I was a bad kid), then my mom decided to try Homeschool. This was in ‘84 and ‘85 and I was a teenager. I decided to continue in public school because I wanted the social interaction and mostly a girlfriend and to go to prom (these were my arguments). There weren’t too many people doing it and certainly none that had attractive daughters. Homeschool has advanced by lightyears since then and I think if you have a child that is different, not better or worse, and (this is key) you can do the teaching, you should homeschool. The benefits outweigh the disadvantages in my mind. The education, the one-on-one, the care for his success are all at a higher level.
I don’t homeschool my two boys, and you know about the Rockstar, because neither me or Dory have the patience needed to handle that. It takes soooooo much more than I have in me to do that. I know what my mother went through with me and my brother (and that was only for two years!) so the fact that you are doing it and succeeding is a testament to your perseverance and love for your Boy (and girl).
What I’m trying to say is, judgment be damned! The Boy is gonna have those social moments whether you homeschool or not and you can model what you would like him to do in those situations better from home rather than hearing about it second-hand and trying to remedy it from there.You do what is best for you and your family and everyone will appreciate it later. Even, and possibly especially, you. it’s easy to let the judgment bother you, but you should always come back to the fact that they aren’t doing it so they don’t get to judge.
Sorry about the length. It’s like a blog post in and of itself.
10 kellypea // Jan 11, 2008 at 8:33 pm
mel, I totally get it. It takes an extremely strong person to not let others’ opinions bother you. I’m a very strong person, and I routinely fail at this. But I know how difficult parenting can be. And I absolutely know how difficult teaching can be. I also know that I could never have home schooled my kids or I would have gone nuts. So w00t! to you for doing something that matters to you and your kids. My youngest would not go to school if he didn’t have to. I know it. And he knows what my attitude about school is (not all it’s chalked up to be, continued training of factory workers, haves and have nots…), so that doesn’t help. Wow. Gotta go. I feel a soapbox coming on. Hang in there mel…
11 Aimee Greeblemonkey // Jan 12, 2008 at 4:22 pm
First off, great post. I haven’t ever told you this, but I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder regarding homeschooling but that is mainly due to a situation in my family (which I’d be happy to tell you about privately), and some other impressions. HOWEVER, I have always been of the opinion that parents are the ones who make the best choices for their families and in general, I accept that those who chose to homeschool and go after it with the heart that you obviously do, are doing what’s best for their children. And posts like this help me understand even better, so thanks.
I also think it’s important to let yourself off the hook. Because, I imagine it’s even harder to blame yourself for every little thing with your kids when you are homeschooling, because there are less outside influences - but that’s the things - there are SO many things that go into who they are, and letting them just be is a beautiful thing sometimes too. (A lesson I need to remind myself often, LOL).
Hugs!
12 Aimee Greeblemonkey // Jan 12, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Oh, and P.S. Happy belated New Year!
13 the new girl // Jan 13, 2008 at 2:01 am
I love this post. As always, I think that your honesty and your ability to put these complicated feelings into words is a great benefit to lots of others.
14 Fairly Odd Mother // Jan 16, 2008 at 3:03 am
Great post—I can see so many of my same insecurities in this—I’m glad I stumbled onto your blog (through a google search on how to talk to my 7yo about how babies are made– she insists we cover this first thing in the morning! I wonder if I will be saying, “Just color your testicles” at any point during the day.)
15 Lydia // Jan 18, 2008 at 1:52 am
Dude, I absolutely hear you on all these points. People can go suck-it though. Speaking of inappropriate language, I just commented on your son’s blog and included a link to lolcats before I realized it might include some inappropriate language. Or… it does.
16 Omar Abdul-Malik // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Wow ! My wife and I have a “The Boy”, also. We took him out of private school to home school him and our other three children. It can be very frustrating dealing with a child w/ Asperger’s b/c they appear, and in most cases, act normal. However, I have learned to truly appreciate the gifts his “condition” has given him. His lack of focus during or school sessions is balanced by intense focus doing positive things at which excels (drawing). His social awkwardness with children his own age (7 y.o.) has caused him to be very good with children younger than him (toddlers & babies). I have also learned not to be so quick to apologize for him and “jump in” to protect him when “well meaning adults and disgruntled peers in his age group, are admonishing him (”what’s wrong with you ?!”).
17 Adam Hyman // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:26 am
Since he has aspergers, wouldn’t home schooling be really bad? If he battles socially, shouldn’t he be in as social an environment as possible?
18 mel // Apr 3, 2008 at 8:53 am
@Adam
Actually, putting him in public school would be kind of like teaching someone to swim by pushing them off of a pier. A small handful of people might find it within themselves to stay afloat, but for the majority, it would be disastrous. To be expected to cope for 8 hours a day, in an environment that is confusing to you, with no one to help you and give you the tools you need to succeed, is not ideal for my son. Homeschooling does not mean locked up at home and isolated. My son has plenty of opportunity for socialization. (In fact, probably more than kids in public school, considering we complete our lessons in a few hours, and are free to spend the rest of the day doing other things.) But at home he doesn’t always have to struggle. His “book” learning and his social skills learning don’t have to happen all at one time, allowing him to give his full attention to each when necessary.
19 Gary Winnick // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:52 am
My granddaughter brought a note home from school saying that on Tuesday they are having a game day and that it was a “special treat” because the students get to play games together and usually they must play by themselves in class.
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